As a pastor, one of the most disheartening trends that I see occurring in today's church is the decline in the number of Bible-believing churches which act biblically. More and more churches seem to be guided by sheer pragmatism, and what will cause their ministries to grow, rather than Scriptural absolutes. It is instructive to note that the word "church" is found only twice in the Gospels, both times in the Gospel of Matthew. In Matthew 16, Jesus said that He would build His church and in Matthew 18, He said, in essence, "You keep it pure". The church heading into the 21st century seems to have confused the responsibilities given in these passages. The emphasis today in church leadership is in developing church growth strategies while praying that the Lord will keep His church pure. Purity is the responsibility of the leadership, and growth, the responsibility of God. What responsibilities does the church, and its leaders, have in maintaining purity in the marriage relationships of its members, and consequently, in the church congregation as a whole? Is the breakdown of marriage relationships strictly a personal matter to be ignored by the church, or, if the church should get involved, to what degree and in what manner? I suggest that the church, by its members individually, and through its leaders corporately, be involved in two methods of dealing with troubled and broken marriages: a ministry of prevention and a ministry of restoration.
I'm thankful, at least for the concept, of divorce recovery programs in Christian churches. But why don't we ever see any divorce prevention programs? Ben Franklin was right, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. What can we do to prevent divorce? To answer that question, we need to remind ourselves of some basic truths. First of all, divorce does not just happen. Two people don't wake up one morning, and out of the blue, decide to divorce each other. Divorce is the culmination of unresolved conflicts. Therefore, preventing divorce is simply the process of mediating and resolving conflicts righteously. Conflicts are caused by two problems: ignorance and obstinance. Ignorance comes in two varieties. One is not knowing that, what you are doing is wrong. The second is not knowing what is right, to do. In overcoming the problem of ignorance, we must be declaring what does not work and modeling as well as instructing what does work in the marriage relationship. The ministry of instruction certainly can and should take place on the "official" level. That is, from the pulpit and in the Sunday School room, biblical instruction must be presented to preserve and promote marriage. Add to this the opportunities of men's fellowships and women's meetings where believers can encourage each other and receive biblical instruction from godly leaders and the possibility of successful marriages increases. Most of all it is absolutely mandatory that the pastoral staff be available to the congregation to provide solid biblical counseling to its members. Not that there is never any benefit or value to seminars and counseling outside the local church, but if the pastor of a church is not equipped with biblical solutions to the problems of life, in my opinion, he is not qualified to be a pastor. Remember, marriages break down because people do not live according to the will of God. The theory of a psychologist can not avail in restoring people in their walk with God.
The ministry of instruction must also take place on the "unofficial" level. Various passages from the New Testament indicate that ministry is not confined to the pastoral staff. In fact, Ephesians 4:12 states that one of the tasks of the pastoral staff is to equip the congregation for the work of the ministry. In Romans 15:14, Paul states that every Christian, at least to some degree, is able to provide counsel to others. In Titus 2:4, the older women are commanded to teach the younger women to love their husbands. Finally, Galatians 6:1 enjoins believer that are walking closely with the Lord to help in the restoration of those who are overcome by sin. If the pastor of a church refused to preach on Sundays, he would soon be looking for a new church to pastor because he neglected his responsibilities. What does that say about Christians who will not involve themselves, as they are able, in mediating and resolving the problems of others?
Unfortunately, the giving of instruction is not the only thing necessary, sometimes, in preventing marital breakdowns. James tells us that we are not only to be hearers of the Word but doers also. Many couples know what they should be doing, or not doing in their marriage relationship, they just simply refuse to comply. This is the problem of obstinance. What can the church do to overcome this problem? In Matthew 18:15-20, the Lord Jesus gives us a plan for the mediation of problems between believers. Initially, the problem is to be confined to the least number of people, that is, the offender and the offended. The offended is to confront the offender with the offense. At this point, instruction has taken place to a certain degree. The offender has been informed about some deed that was either committed or omitted and is given the opportunity to repent and restore fellowship. Verse 16 begins with the distressing words, "But if he will not hear thee..." The essence of the phrase is repeated in the beginning and middle of verse 17. This is not a problem of ignorance, but obstinance. If the conflict can not be resolved between the two parties, then outside help of one or two more is to be enlisted by the offended. Friendly advice from God-fearing believers may be all that is necessary in solving the problem. But if the problem is unresolved at this level, the next step is to involve the church. This does not mean that a believer is to stand up and make a public announcement of the difficulties in their marriage. More than likely, the rest of the congregation is aware of it anyway. In that an overriding principle is to keep the problem contained to as few people as possible, this third step, then, would indicate that the elders of the church should be informed and employed to settle the problems.
Believers have a responsibility to obey the rule of the elders of the church (Hebrews 13:17), but unfortunately, that is not always the case as verse 17 states, "...but if he neglect to hear the church..." Here we see a man and/or a woman, adamant in their rebellion against God's will for their life. This is a serious condition and one that requires serious consequence. In His instruction, the Lord says that the ones in this condition are to be treated as heathen and publicans. This would entail being put out of the fellowship of believers in corporate worship and the withdrawal of the fellowship of the congregation. Many would argue today that the last thing that they would want to do to a person out of fellowship with God and rebelling against His will, is to deny them the opportunity to fellowship with the saints, for it there, they believe, under the preaching of the Word and the communion of those of like precious faith, that repentance will take place and the believer will get their life "straightened out". While I appreciate the motivation, the activity runs contrary to the teaching of our Lord. We must also remember that a believer who is out of fellowship with God and walking in disobedience can not worship until repentance has taken place (Matthew 5:24). It is a very sad day when a believer must be excluded from the fellowship of a local congregation of believers, but one that is mandated by the teaching of Matthew 18. The fact is that if while the believer was in the fellowship of the saints, they refused to repent, it then becomes unlikely that continued affirmation will bring them to repentance. One need only to read the story of the prodigal son and realize that it was not until the prodigal had left the comfortable surroundings of home and the benevolent care of the father, that he realized his error and repented. It is that same environment that will cause the unrepentant husband or wife to do the same. Churches who desire to keep the sinning brother or sister within the fellowship, do more to retard or cancel any possibilities of repentance than encourage it.
Not only will this "tough love" provide a wake up call to the sinning party, but it will also serve as a discouragement to others who would easily seek to end their marriages, thinking that the consequences of divorce were minimal. In the Old Testament, God commanded capital punishment for some offences that were of great consequence. While many people may debate the issue today, the Bible tells us that there was a deterative value to it. In Deuteronomy 13:11 we read, "And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this among you." It has been my experience as a pastor to find that where divorce is allowed without consequence, there divorce happens frequently. Where divorce is not permitted and discipline is administered, divorce rarely occurs. It is time for the church to start recognizing the seriousness of the sin and dealing with it appropriately.
Before closing this section, one point needs to be clarified. When the church has a responsibility to administer discipline, it must administer it to the one or ones who are sinning. Any divorce is a sad affair, but it is twice as sad when only one party of the marriage is wanting a divorce. Only the ones who are actively seeking to end the marriage relationship by pursuing divorce or refusing to resolve the problems that are disrupting the marriage relationship, are those to whom discipline should be administerd.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. These are familiar words to the ears of any genuinely saved person, and words that should bring a hearty amen. The grace of God in saving us is truly amazing. To think that God would love us so much that He would send His own Son, to die on Calvary's cross, bearing our sins, so that we might, simply by faith in Him, receive forgiveness of sins, have imputed righteousness, and know that there is an eternal home prepared for us in heaven, is beyond comprehension. However, as wonderful as the grace of God is, it must be remembered that is comes with a catch. As we have received grace, we also must be dispensers of it. As we have been restored by the power of God, so must we be the agents of restoration in the lives of others who need His grace. What is the church's responsibility in the restoration of a divorced person?
In 2 Corinthians 2:1-10, the Apostle Paul instructs the Corinthian assembly on how to respond to a sinning brother who had repented of his sins. Most Bible scholars believe that the man in view is the same man who is mentioned in 1 Corinthians 5, who had intimate relations with his father's wife. At first, the congregation was unwilling to take any disciplinary action, even boasting of the magnitude of its "grace" in accepting the sin of a brother. But true grace never accepts sin, but seeks repentance and restoration, so the apostle instructed the believers to employ the Matthew 18 process and ultimately the man was expelled from the assembly. But now the pendulum of grace has swung from the extreme of accepting sin to the opposite extreme of rejecting repentance. Now the apostle commands a 3-fold action towards the repentant brother.
The first command is that there be an official act of forgiveness. Since the rebuke and discipline was official and public in nature, the declaration of forgiveness must also be. Since the sin of the man not only effected his own personal testimony, but also the corporate testimony of the church, so the discipline had to be public, but now the congregation has the opportunity to publicly express the forgiving grace of God. This is not only necessary for the well-being of the repentant, but also the well-being of the church congregation. 2 Corinthians 2:11 indicates that Satan will take advantage of an unforgiving spirit. If the world outside the community of believers can not see forgiveness being extended by the church to one of its own who has repented of sin, how will they believe that God extends forgiving grace to the ones who are not Christians, and come to be saved? Possibly the greatest detriment to evangelism, is the church that will not forgive.
The second command that is given is to comfort him so that he will not be overcome with sorrow. How should the ministry of comfort take place to alleviate the sorrow? In 1 Thessalonians 4, the apostle writes to another group of believers who were sorrowing, not because of sins committed, but because of loved ones who had died. The Thessalonicans thought that because these saints had died, they would not participate in the rapture of the church and consequently miss the glories of the coming kingdom. To alleviate this sorrow, Paul writes., "I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren... wherefore, comfort one another with these words" (1 Thes. 4:13,18). Found in the ellipses is instruction. In order to alleviate the sorrow of the repentant brother, the Corinthian assembly was to comfort him by means of instruction. He was to be reminded of the cleansing power of the blood of Christ, the fact that his sins were cast behind God's back, not to be remembered. He was to be reminded of the desire of God to continue the process of sanctification and conform him to the very image of Jesus Christ. He was to be instructed in dealing with temptation and sin so that he would not make the same mistake again. He also needed to know that he was a vital part of the body and that God still desired his service and obedience. So too, is the repentant person whose marriage has failed. They need the comfort of instruction.
The third command of the apostle is that the Corinthian assembly was to confirm their love toward the repentant brother. How are we to love the repentant brother or sister whose marriage has ended in divorce? The answer to that question can be found with another question. How did God love us after we came to faith in Jesus Christ? In essence, God loved us by providing to us those things that were lost in the fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, we lost fellowship with God, we acquired that fellowship in Christ. We lost a home in the garden, we gained a home in heaven. We lost the ability to stand before a holy God, we gained the righteousness of Christ. What does a divorced person lose through divorce? Possibly the greatest loss is family. Certainly the intimacy of the husband-wife relationship is gone. If the marriage produced children, the consequences are multiplied. What can the church do? One of the dearest descriptions of the church is that we are the family of God, brothers and sisters in Christ. While what is lost through divorce can never be totally replaced, the church can nonetheless somewhat compensate for it by just being family. A love like this will seek to include the brother or sister in all the activities of the church. Whatever responsibilities of ministry that remain will be required and whatever privileges of being part of the fellowship will be extended. Corporately, the church must forget what is behind and press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound!